when in doubt, write anyway

Sometimes I find myself looking at the clock, imagining what else I could be doing, comparing myself to others, and giving up because I feel bad about myself or I think I can't do what I desire. I notice this pattern in me beyond writing. Oftentimes I do other things like clean up or read, or watch tv just so I can avoid doing statistical work. Statistical analysis is critical to making a point or coming to a conclusion. Not engaging with statistics is like writing a sentence and... in the middle stopping at a clause, not including a predicate. I can't write the way I think. There is a lot of garbage in my brain, lots of random incomplete gobbledeeguck. The studies I do in my grad program have to be clean, simple, easy to follow, systematic- the kind of format outside my comfort zone. I realize now that one of the biggest reasons I am in this program is to learn how to think outside my comfort zone. I have to be able to communicate with other people who do not see the world the way that I do, who don't relate with the world that way that I do and who may not even speak the same language that I do. Basically, this program is the bridge to communicating with my father, a brilliant scientist, physician and orator. His precision and rationality characterize his fundamental nature which is partly why he complains about my sometimes erratic and impulsive approach to life. I see now that my low self-esteem hinders me from learning new skills, from being able to think in a different way, and even from being able to communicate with those I love. That is why when in doubt, I must write anyway.