Israel Birthright Day 2

Awaking in a kibbutz was pretty wild. There were hammocks outside where we could relax beside wild peacocks. Community dogs were abundant as well as cats but few children, at least that I saw. There was a communal eatery where breakfast and lunch was served. This was pretty typical at every place were housed in. The breakfast was always humus, cucumbers, tomatoes and eggs. There may have been some additional variety depending on the establishment but this I believe may be the typical Mediterranean meal. Dinner usually had the components plus a meat and starch like couscous, rice, pasta and soup.

Everyday on the bus, I tried to deliberately sit somewhere new next to someone different. I was pretty successful until the very end of the trip when I made some friends I didn't want to leave. The views throughout our journey except for the beginning. In addition to the familiar muted rocky landscape we were treated to a sea of verdant grass and trees. The first day would be the most green we would see for the remainder of the trip. Israel is indeed a desert. Among my favorite activities were group sessions like hiking, joining in blessings over wine and bread and sharing our hopes for the rest of the trip, staring into each others eyes for a full minute without flinching, sharing embarrassing stories and acting out history in impromptu theatrical productions. I enjoyed these activities because they were some of many shared memories I would have with the group. Feeling like I am a part of something greater than myself is really important to me. Even if I didn't become best friends with everyone there, I still appreciate the special things we did together and I am really grateful sharing was a major priority we experienced as a group.

If anyone knows about sharing, I believe it would be the people of Israel. Eighty percent of the population lives on twenty percent of the land. It is pretty much a three hour drive between Tel Aviv and Jerusalem. Space is limited so people become friendly pretty quickly. One thing I found particularly interesting is that people can be very serious as well as aggressive specifically when driving. They can also be tenacious and put up with a lot of stress inducing situations. I think this is what happens when most of the population serves in the military. It can make a person ardently passionate about their homeland and also instill certain values and traits going forward.

a takeaway lesson from Israel

Be unpredictable! Today as I was recovering from minor surgery I had to be present and find ways to not only cope with the surgery and pain as it was happening but also how to be with myself while recovering. I have the next week to explore living in the moment like I did in Israel and finding out what I am capable of doing and what gives me pleasure while dealing with pain. I had a great conversation with my partner today about how feeling out of control takes a toll on my happiness and ability to function. I really had no idea how much I crave certainty until I thought about the Israel trip and the surgery. I couldn't command what was going to happen in either respect, everything was lead by someone else. I proved to myself I can handle any unplanned experience and it can actually enhance my feelings of security and confidence. I think I am actually beginning to value the unknown and I am excited by novelty. I have also been curious about how I resist being the center of attention when something big is going to happen and yet I also want to feel special. I know now that I can choose how to respond in those situations and it is fine even encouraged for me to excel. Just like everyone else in the world, I have gifts that are meant to be shared, whatever they may be, and I don't want to squander opportunities to expose those talents just because of some silly repressed fears and feelings of inadequacy. I don't have to be perfect to be useful. Maybe my talent is coping with pain well and I can teach my children that needles, scrapes and burns are no big deal and the hurt is always temporary. Understanding this refreshes my mind, my optimism for the future and my ability to interact with the world around me. Thanks for teaching me these things Israel.

Israel Birthright day 1

Before I write about the cultural experiences I have been afforded by the Israel Birthright trip, I want to take a moment to talk about something rather serious and very important. Going abroad, even through a certified organization, is a tremendous undertaking. Visitors, especially women, need to travel together and always be with at least one companion. I advise to keep your head on a swivel and pay attention to the environment. Anything can happen. Don’t let your instinct to be polite sacrifice your safety and well- being. Trust your instincts. It is ok to say “no.” Your health and safety is more important than any object or amount of money. Be careful and stay together. Fun is better when it is shared anyway.

For the last several months I have been doing a lot of inquiry into my identity in search of discovering my passions. I have been forced to make a series of personal and professional changes that really rocked my world and made me wonder what my purpose might be. I have always felt like an outsider, not really fitting in with anything. I didn’t subscribe to a standard social clique, I studied a myriad of interdisciplinary subjects in school, and I appreciate the itinerant lifestyle void of plans and filled with adventure and new people. When birthright approached me for the final time before I aged out of the program I decided to go for it. A free trip anywhere sounded good and for once my dad was totally on board. Dad can be very stubborn and to be honest, I could have used a break from my life for a little while. Ten days without having to think or plan or do anything but soak in the experience. Sign me up.

Sign up I did and to my surprise, my sister would be joining the group. We hadn’t seen very much of each other for the last few years and I knew this would be the last opportunity to do anything of this magnitude with her before we started our lives as full- fledged adults.

The night I got in to New York, my sister greeted me outside her apartment in pajamas and fuzzy slippers. Clearly she needed help packing. We chatted as we sorted her things and honestly, I was shocked we weren’t fighting or pushing each other’s buttons. I figure we were both feeling the same anxiety about the next day. We got up around 6 and met everyone at the airport around 9. The four hours before the flight passed surprisingly quickly. We had a series of interviews and security protocol in order to get near the gate. Even after being assigned seats people were moved around at random.  I met one of the nicest people in my group while waiting to board and lucky me, we were going to sit next to each other! Before I could feel much elation there was an orthodox woman waiting to switch with him so she didn’t have to sit next to a man. Poop.

On the positive side, the orthodox woman taught me a lot on route to Israel. She was an American who moved to Israel to live in a kibbutz in her early twenties. I was lucky to be getting an inside look into Israeli history before the trip even started.

My first “wow” moment occurred when I stepped off the plane and looked out at the verdant hillside. I was in Israel.  Sweet gumdrops I was in Israel! I didn’t see military at every door or tanks casually rolling down the streets. This was a normal, albeit ancient and rocky mound of land. The energy felt different from my expectations. It was soft and calm and I instantly felt more connected to my surroundings and the people around me. We were in this together for the next ten days. We were mishpucha now.

The first cultural destination was Tsfat, a place bubbling with Judaic history and spirituality. The views of the mountains in the distance were as stunning as the artwork fashioned beside them. I was particularly intrigued by the families and children wearing modest clothing accented with symbolic adornments, walking rather than driving throughout the city. There is nothing like it in the states and nothing quite like this place in the rest of Israel other than Jerusalem, easily one of my favorite destinations. The people in this community were the best part of the experience. They were so vibrant and full of passion for their ancestry and the land. I wish I could believe in something as powerfully as they do. 

crossing over to a new path

I want to call do-over. Is that allowed past pre-k? Can it be used in any contexts other than four square? I want to investigate if emotional insurance can be applied to heal professional failure. So I am guessing the messages I was taught as a kid, that I could do anything, be anything, achieve anything I desired were just ploys to get me to shut my mouth and let the house sleep an extra hour on the weekends. So as you can tell, I don't do cynical well. Then again, maybe channeling my pessimistic side could be a labor of love to get me over the hurdles of epic failure cause right now I want to be just like George Washington. Dead.

Now that I have no idea what I am good at career wise or where I would be happiest, let alone how to pay off my student loans without any job prospects, I find myself having out of body experiences. Some days I don't know if I am asleep or awake. I often end up staring at the ceiling and thinking, god I wish it were the tomorrow...how about next week... you know what, any time in the future would work. Scratch all of that, I would like to start over, be born again, in another time, another place, another body, just something other than what I have going on right now.

After a while of self-depreciation I turn a new perspective. I remember all that I have going on in my life. I can breathe for one thing, and that is pretty darn awesome. I have two cutie doglets I get to play with daily and incredible family and friends. I need to refrain from overreacting and instead grow up, put on some big girl clothes, and take responsibility for my actions. I am open to whatever comes and hopefully there is a rainbow in the clouds.  

when in doubt, write anyway

Sometimes I find myself looking at the clock, imagining what else I could be doing, comparing myself to others, and giving up because I feel bad about myself or I think I can't do what I desire. I notice this pattern in me beyond writing. Oftentimes I do other things like clean up or read, or watch tv just so I can avoid doing statistical work. Statistical analysis is critical to making a point or coming to a conclusion. Not engaging with statistics is like writing a sentence and... in the middle stopping at a clause, not including a predicate. I can't write the way I think. There is a lot of garbage in my brain, lots of random incomplete gobbledeeguck. The studies I do in my grad program have to be clean, simple, easy to follow, systematic- the kind of format outside my comfort zone. I realize now that one of the biggest reasons I am in this program is to learn how to think outside my comfort zone. I have to be able to communicate with other people who do not see the world the way that I do, who don't relate with the world that way that I do and who may not even speak the same language that I do. Basically, this program is the bridge to communicating with my father, a brilliant scientist, physician and orator. His precision and rationality characterize his fundamental nature which is partly why he complains about my sometimes erratic and impulsive approach to life. I see now that my low self-esteem hinders me from learning new skills, from being able to think in a different way, and even from being able to communicate with those I love. That is why when in doubt, I must write anyway.

Seth Godin entry, The new children's menu

This is a post today from Seth Godin's blog. I loved it so much I need to share:

The children's menu

"Here, eat this food you've eaten a hundred times before. These chicken fingers and french fries are just like what we have at home. And turn on your iPad and watch that movie you like so much..."

Of course, chicken fingers are just a symptom. If we want to insulate ourselves from new experiences, ensure that we never eat something we don't like, never engage with someone we disagree with, never have to hold two opposing ideas in our head at the same time—chicken fingers are a great way to start.

The new is a habit. It's a habit we can teach to our kids and it's a habit we can learn ourselves. 

Spend a few hours thinking and walking in that local park you've never visited. Go visit an online forum where you disagree with the worldview of those hanging out—but instead of arguing, listen. Play some opera while you're chilling out at home tonight. Try eating vegan for three days...

The children's menu is always available, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea.

http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2014/06/the-childrens-menu.html

Be a pushy cookie

As I look forward to presenting the first example of what my future's work may behold, I think about the kind of character I want to have in this profession. If I am to be a part of this unique world, I know above all else, I wish to be used to benefit the world. I don't discriminate as to whom may benefit, all I wish is that my work helps someone or something- be it animal, mineral, or the random homeless alien squeegy-ing the windows from the last space launch of my lifetime.

I was thinking today about the qualities that are necessary for a successful PhD candidate. I came up with three prime components of the profession: writing, presenting and researching. Two of the three I have been doing since I was a little girl. I used to pretend I was a teacher or a news correspondent or a radio announcer when I role played with my little sister. I loved to write on the board, come up with new lines for the WPAW, the television program from my elementary school and my first paying job was writing love letters for my classmates in 5th grade, though none of those relationships lasted very long. The point is, these skills and playtime antics stayed with me throughout the years and they are still golden talents now. The format may look a little different but I can test and tease my audience with my words and presentation skills and figure out what works and what doesn't. My personality and perspective of the world may be quite different from the majority of my colleagues, but maybe, just maybe that is a good thing. As my stats professor from my masters program used to say, "you are here to add a little bit of da spicy".

So what about that third element? Research is pretty much the bread and butter of this profession. If I can't make the numbers work here, I aint working anywhere. So, the pattern persists- I must overcome yet another challenge. But hey, I am so used to it now. I just have to try and try and when I am sick of trying, try some more. Eventually I will figure out how to make this work, and, if I can't I move on to something I can do, but I will know I gave it my best attempt. I am not perfect and I must learn to forgive my failures. I am not alone and sometimes I have to remind myself of that. My hesitation comes from seeing myself as separate from everyone else, that no one has nor ever will share my sentiments and situations. After a few years on the planet I know now that is a load of stinky socks and I am to ignore those thoughts. Then, in order to tell my story, I can pretend to be the most confident person I know - a combination of my dad, Bill Clinton and Dogbert from the Dilbert comics.

: )

”Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” – Lao Tzu

Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/everydayinspiration/2014/06/10-things-to-tell-your-wife-everyday.html#ixzz350xfUM9m
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/everydayinspiration/2014/06/10-things-to-tell-your-wife-everyday.html#UgrSYXtC0q1ZH6rW.99

Silence

I keep hearing this voice- both externally and internally- sit in silence. sit in silence. Sometimes, even in conversation I hear the voice saying, quiet, be silent. Sometimes silence can be awkward. Sometimes silence stirs up anxiety like a monkey rattling its cage and I feel this chaotic energy inside my body, all over. Secretly I love this stillness. I give myself permission- 20 minutes, just be. Be present. Be here. Let all the thoughts come and go. Welcome whatever feelings stir up and let go of attachment to it all. In a little bit, I feel that firey burning in my chest, that restlessness inside and I accept those feelings. Silence. All is quiet. Then those anxious feelings resonate again. I let them be. Deeper into silence I go. It is magnificent! Before I know it, 20 minutes are up and I transition back into my skin. Its like I have amnesia. What was it I was stressing about before I sat in silence? I can't remember. At least for right now, this one second, I am at peace and it is luxurious. I let the present moment wash all over me. It is like I am living a dream. I get a glimpse back into my days of finding the ox, immersing myself in theory of knowledge learning zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. It is so cool!

Silence isn't always this comforting though. It has taken me years to appreciate it and there are doubtless times where I feel lost and searching for meaning. I get restless and stressed, wanting my reality to be other than it is. I am human obviously. I compare myself to others, especially the other students in the PhD program and I fear getting kicked out for not being as smart or as productive or as xyz as the others. Its at this point, if I don't go directly to my loved ones, I pretend I am talking to them directly. What would they say? I imagine they would tell me that there is a reason I am here. I have unique skills that are valuable in this program. I have a proven track record that works. If, (and although theorizing about ifs are pointless, but nevertheless, if) I do not make it through this program, I will go on to better horizons where my talents are more aptly aligned to benefit others, bring joy to the world which likewise brighten my spirit. Remember who I am. Remember my childhood confidence, my optimism and love for others and for the world. Don't lose that, no matter what happens. I am enough as I am and I can do anything. We all have boundless potential, infinite creativity and love to share. This point of view is often lost in the craziness of the world and getting a reminder now and again is important. Finally, anything worth having and experiencing is better when it is shared. Be curious, be compassionate, be who you are and the world becomes better for it.

Resistance plus

I have a vision for gaining statistical skills in this program and using them to produce knowledge and contribute to others well being as well as benefit the planet. Currently, in the program, I have to perform statistical analysis and my understanding and competency in this area is tenuous at best. I could possibly be a bit self deprecating, but either way, my skills are not where I want to be. I have a project I must complete and I cannot do so without statistical analysis. The challenges I face in this area have taken over my perspective in many areas of my life. The consequences of this somewhat ambivalent even negative attitude are bleeding into my relationships with those I am closest with. That causes me more stress. This is a pattern I have adapted over time and I continue to repeat it. Consistently, whenever I run into challenges, I see the worst in the situation and in my capabilities. I complain, I instigate, in short I am no fun to be around. I don't even like being around me.

So how do I change my behavior? It starts with my perception. I have to train myself to see the good in the situation. How can I change what I focus on? Perhaps it begins with acceptance. No need to abandon or ignore the truth. There is resistance and non acceptance inside of me! I don't like what I have to do. I judge it negatively and that hurts me. Good news! Bad don't last always. As trite as it sounds, this too shall pass. This is what is right now. I can't argue with the fact that I have a job to do, it requires stats, I have to use statistics. It is mad to judge what is true. It is what it is. All I can do is learn the techniques, be fully present so I can learn as much as I can, preferably the first time around, (though my modus operandi is repetition), do what I can do, to the best of my ability and let go any expectations I may have. I can't do more than I am able to. I have to accept I am not perfect. I don't enjoy everything I have to do in my job. I am not really sure what my work passion is. All I can do is what is in front of me, accept it, and keep plugging along. Perhaps I may encounter surprise, excitement, enthusiasm- you never know. Life is unpredictable, better not to resist.

Late Day Insights

I have to be a conscious observer of the thoughts in my head, particularly when I am at the office because of my psychological baggage surrounding the office, and especially during late days at the office because this is when I am prone to the conditioned patterned thinking that runs me into the ground and deep into self pitty. Instead, I have to be wise enough to ignore that old pattern and reawaken to gratitude for this job, this opportunity and this reason for waking up each day. That last reason may be a little overkill, but maybe not. If I didn't have this job, instead of freaking out about future laboring over data mining I would be freaking out because I have writers block or no publishers or a lack of job prospects. Essentially what I am saying is I have to nurture what I have in kind and not worry about comparisons, what coulda woulda shoulda and work my darndest not to blow the gig I've got.

Part of my problem is I am giving myself permission not to be committed. This is both outside my nature as well as perfectly aligned with it. I have a habit of picking and choosing what deserves my tenacity and what doesn't. I make excuses for being lazy and create stories as to why they were not choices but that my failure was outside of my control. The reality is, anything I view as worthwhile, I pursue until I cross the finish line. It may take ages longer than the average bear, but I will get the job done. If I allow my mind to weasel its way into getting what it wants, it typically wins and I feel guilty when it does. That sends me into a shame spiral. Luckily, I have been around the block so many times I am privy to the pattern and can catch it at the early stages of its arrival. I shouldn't be ashamed for my lack of desire to do what is difficult and what challenges me. It is human to put up resistance; but it is also human to overcome obstacles and triumph. I guess sometimes it helps to get the truth out there and bond with others going through similar stuff. It is what we do, humans attune and adapt to and with one another. I am grateful for that.

Maya the Angel

It feels like the Earth and the creatures inhabiting it are collectively mourning the passing of Maya Angelou. I look out the window and it is raining- very rarely does rain flow during sunrise but it did today and continues as I write these words. I very rarely if ever use the term "passing" to indicate death. I guess I don't see a point in using a euphemism because I don't appreciate our reservations about discussing and being open about death. I humbly give in to my grief, I allow my emotions to come out, I cry, I wheeze from lack of air because I cry so intensely. Eventually my body gets lighter, I even see more clearly.

I look back at the beautiful poetry Maya wrote. I literally look back, I have one of my favorites attached to my refrigerator so I get to look at it every day. The poem is called Phenomenal Woman. Maya taught me so many things, and one of the most profound gifts she bestowed upon me is the gift of gratitude- gratitude not only of being alive, of getting to wake up each morning, of experiencing what it is like to be a human being, but also of being a woman. When I was growing up I didn't really like what came with being a female. My body matured faster than my mind and I couldn't handle the responsibility. I also didn't see the beauty inside because I couldn't see the beauty outside and I thought the only way to be beautiful was to look beautiful. Maya's words, her poems and her stories touched a place inside of me that recognized the truth in everyone. We are all phenomenal, magnificent gorgeous creatures. We have been blessed to ride the adventures of this lifetime. Sometimes we get caught up in the challenges and we create problems for ourselves and we cause our own suffering. We forget there are always rainbows behind the stormy clouds. When someone is crying about something not turning out the way they want, Maya would say, "Stop it! Stop that right now and say thank you! Be grateful constantly- thank you for this day, thank you for the phone call that said I got the job, thank you for the phone call that said I am not wanted anymore, thank you because I know there is something better for me lined up for me, because what I am going to get darling, others long for." She instructed to prepare ourselves so we can be rainbows in someone else's cloud. They may not look like me or call god the same name as I do if they call god at all, they may not eat the same dishes prepared the way that I do, they may not speak my language but I must be a blessing to somebody. That is what Maya told me to do.

One of the best quotes from Maya, and there are so many, is this: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." I try to hold these words in my heart when I go throughout my day. In the past, when I ran in the morning, I tended to keep my head down and not look at the strangers I passed along the sidewalk out of fear of their reaction to me. I figured I am alone and I don't know them and I want to resist any negativity that would come from our interaction, as simple as that interaction might be. At some point, something changed inside of me. I recognized that I am creating a sense of separation, of difference between me and the people around me everyday and this is a false belief. So I started to smile and greet everyone I saw with a "hello" or a "good morning" and everything shifted inside me. It may be that nothing has changed from the outside, although I like to think I am spreading a little cheer as I go along, but something has fundamentally changed from the inside.

This feeling very much reminds me of the vibrant energy that poured out of Maya all throughout her life and I still feel it even though her physical form may be gone. She has touched me and countless others and I can just sense that she will continue to do so for future generations of people who find themselves captivated by her work. Her presence and essence will never die because we carry her messages and love with us wherever we go. Whether we choose to believe it, we carry the essence of all humanity with us because we are inseparable, we are unified by a deep divinity, we are all one and we are blessed. We are carried by our ancestors we are responsible to them. Imagine, if we could speak to our great great grandparents, and ask, "are you pleased with who I am, with what I am doing with my life, am I making you proud, am I doing all you would like me to be doing?" Those people will say, you are the reason I came here on that boat, you are the reason I persisted, so you could exist. Suddenly, life itself is richer. Wherever we go, our grandparents come with us. Maya said, " I come as one, I stand as ten thousand." This is who we are. The force of this, to know we are not alone, our crowns, as Maya said, have been bought and paid for.

"Surviving is important, thriving is elegant." Maya was so wise, so incredible, so loving. I aspire to live like she did, being a friend to all while keeping the divine space deep inside myself pristine, clean and clear, which no one has the right to invade. Forgiveness and compassion is fundamental. I take care of myself first so I can care for others. Maya taught me possibility, how to dream, how to push myself pass comfort, how to challenge myself to tell a good story, to use words purposefully and passionately, and to treat everyone as extended family, as a unified human family. She is one of our gifted literary mothers. With peace and blessings, I say good-bye to you Maya Angelou, you are a beautiful Angel indeed.

learning to accept a lack of control

One of my favorite stories of all time would have to be the alchemist. I have the written copy as well as the audio version narrated by Jeremy Irons (sigh.. his voice is such a dream). In the story, the protagonist, Santiago, learns to let go of what he think he should do and relinquish control in order to welcome infinite possibilities to unfold. Like all people, like Santiago, I fancy the thought of living out my personal legend, going off on an adventure and embracing the que sera, sera attitude of innocence and openess. I find myself trying to reconcile that one exuberant side of me with the rational, structured side that deals with bills, relationships and essentially "real" life.

I am not a baby anymore. No one is telling me what to do, when to go to bed, what to wear and how to do just about everything. I am not spoon fed every detail of my life and it is both scary and sensational. When I get to imagine all the crazy, interesting escapades I can get myself into, I feel so connected- this is what life is really about! And the instant I internalize that high, my psyche puts me right back into the mundane duties and obligations I have left and they never seem to end. So what do I do? I know that tomorrow is promised to no one and yet I can't simply abandon the resources that are sustaining my ability to function in this world. That comes with responsibilities I don't always want to do. I accept I have to do them and yet I question if I am making the right decisions that are building a path I don't know that I want to be traversing.    

It is funny, I am so happy to be in this place in my life. I am curious, inquisitive and searching for deeper meaning. That is what you are supposed to do in the 20s. I hear all these different voices, what I should or shouldn't do, what would be best and so forth. All those voices drown out my own and I am not sure what I want right now. I am pretty lost actually. Very indecisive. All I can do is pursue one thing at a time and throughout my doing so I keep wondering, is this the right move for me? Am I utilizing all my unique gifts? Am I connecting with anyone? With anything?

be open to the signs

Sometimes life speaks to us in whispers. Other times life comes at us with a tsunami intended to destroy the foundation of our core beliefs. If we were an outsider, perhaps an alien, come to observe the daily habits of the various creatures living on this giant golf ball we call spaceship Earth , what would that alien derive from our actions? From our means of expression and communication? If I had to take a look at my own decisions I think I can ascertain a few insights. Why have I gone to every professor in the department with different ideas for possible research exploration each time, instead of committing to one idea? Why didn't I go back to any of them to figure out what I am doing wrong, why my ideas are no good, what I could do better? The professors aren't here to make me feel bad about myself, they are here to help me and make me a better researcher. Why have I not fervently expressed my gratitude and desire to learn more? My absence speaks louder than my presence in this context. I have inadvertently (or rather unconsciously) created the impression in their minds that I am a flake and I cannot be trusted to carry out what I start. I would wholeheartedly feel the same way if I were in their shoes, I imagine. Now that I am in this difficult position it is important that I behave gently toward myself. I have the tendency of being too harsh and causing my own deep suffering. I am the best person to know how to push my own buttons after all.

What else can I learn from my actions? If I were fully committed, I would push myself to do my best, even (perhaps especially) during the challenges. I have built an image in my mind that I am a tenacious person. It is a ginormous slap in the face visa-vi my unconscious when I don't try my best, when I complain instead of take action. What have I don't this semester? Express feeling overwhelmed and unskilled when really I have all the tools I need. I am more than capable of getting to the other side. It is a monumental task, but one I, like anyone else with my background, can accomplish with drive and persistence. The fact that I have burned every bridge I have linking me to a mentor means I am not in this to pursue the journey. Either I need to get on board or go down another road. Either way, this is a pattern I am not stranger to. I have started relationships, dreams, goals, you name it, only to leave them midway. Sure there are plenty of examples of finishing what I start, but I fully recognize the times where I haven't. This is where I need full awareness of my own actions to know what means the most to me. The problem is that not everyone is as understanding as my parents. The external world will not give me second chances or give me the benefit of the doubt. Cars won't stop because I am in the middle of the road, I have to be conscious enough to to cushion my fall when the world pushes me down. Now I have a choice. I can belittle myself, cry in the corner and waste precious moments of the day. Or I can jump on the Maya Angelou bandwagon and use this time to learn and grow, fully embracing the idea that when one door closes, a window opens. There may be many clouds in the sky, but following every storm is a rainbow. I may be dirty but I am no worse for the wear. I can keep going, whatever path that may be. Do I have a problem? Never. Just many possibilities. I am a child that knows no better. I just have to dust myself off and keep going.

the beauty of myth

I have been watching a lot of movies lately and reading a friend's blog commentary on some of the films I have seen. I have never been a movie buff, but because of my friends and husband's passion for film, I have grown to find immense value in it. I like how the importance of characters as metaphors and the essential nature of plot and structure are similar in books as well as movies. The foundation and effectiveness both artful expressions is the extent to which the story is coherent, purposeful and interesting. Myth, ultimately, is an avenue of communication for that which can't be said or written, that which can't be understood solely with the mind, but rather felt and connected with on a deeper level. This is my interpretation. However, if we only look at someone else's interpretation, we only see through one lens. This inhibits our unique and innate energy, skill, and creativity. I highly encourage you to form your own sense and share it so others may do the same. Ask yourself, what do the metaphors mean for me? What does the protagonist stand for in me? Metaphors can speak to an eternity inside of us and step into that place inside where we become divine, revitalized. We can connect with an embodiment that exists in our own selves. I am speaking abstractly, but I still find the sentiment profound. I enjoy connecting with the underdog, or the everyman who triumphs, learns, overcomes obstacles with courage and tenacity. I think we all enjoy the journey. The stories are a mirror that help us see ourselves more clearly. This is the power of storytelling. We are no longer bystanders peering in from a distance. Rather we throw ourselves into the story and we become the characters, we allow ourselves to see life as the characters do, through their eyes and develop our own creative relationship with the story itself. I am constantly fascinated by storytelling. I aspire to be a storyteller. I love stories, always have, always will.

we are all alive in spite of death; an exploration into the beauty of creativity

I was reading a commentary about Dan Goldman,  a comic, artist and writer, who insists that creative involvement has a precise structure in which the source of creativity is a balance between isolation and incredible gift. We all possess unique talents which emanate from creative genius we all share as human beings. Oftentimes, cultivating such creative gifts come at a price, perhaps risking exposure as the designer of a novel craft the world doesn't understand (yet). We are forced to decide whether to expose our productions risking cultural and social stigma or keep the fruits of our labor hidden in an effort blend into the status quo and achieve social acceptance.

Examples of courageous revolutionaries permeate every field, in fact, our country was founded by political, social and creative imagineers. This is actually an extraordinary realization. We are creating our reality with every choice we make, with every stroke of the pen, every wave of the paint brush, and every strike of the hammer. When we understand the real truth, that we all share the same fundamental properties of being human, the shared properties of existence, we tap into an infinite universal source of power and endless creativity that offer boundless experiences of internal joy and worthiness. The opportunity to experience life as human beings is an incredible gift, and we shouldn't allow fear and seeming misfortune determine our daily experience of life inhibiting our destiny for greatness. We can choose to follow the road less traveled and to embody virtues of openness and wonder through acceptance of whatever comes.

Will this be easy? Heavens no. What experience worthy of endless joy and excitement has ever been easy? The trials and challenges we face are obstacles that teach us we can handle anything and these challenges transform us into the tenacious and pioneering species that travel to mysterious galaxies and discover the curious dimensions of life itself. We are incredible; every life form is incredible. Therefore, we deserve the most captivating, sensational, mind blowing experiences life has to offer. Why waste energy denigrating the pure intentions of our brothers and sisters? Instead, we must support one another in living our dream, our unique purpose, and reason for living. Imagine the heights we can soar to and beyond when we live as one loving human family and allow novel explorations of creativity to flourish.

insight into my compulsive behavior

I am not sure how relevant this post is to the targeted demographic, however, I am the only person reading this blog currently so I am going to write about some things I have learned on compulsive, maladaptive behavior from the last 24 hours or so. My husband arrived back in town late yesterday afternoon after driving all day down the Florida coast exhausted from semester final law exams. He was barely coherent at dinner, sniffling through a allergies and a sore throat. We went to bed later that evening, got a full night's rest and awoke early to return the rental car. Afterward we got waffles and eggs at a breakfast place and came home to work. Ed was not in the mood to get anything done. He watched a bunch of youtube clips of talented dancing dogs and installments of the onion and then drifted off to sleep while I researched how to prime a behavioral effect for my summer study. It made me think of how in touch Ed is with his inner body and what it needs rather than seeking fulfillment from external sources.

This insight may sound counter-intuitive since I just admitted he did not work on his law paper when he said he would but on the contrary, he is doing exactly what he needs to do right now for optimum functioning of his brain and body. When Eddy goofs off or takes a break, it is purposeful. If he wants to do nothing, he gives nothing everything he's got and when he works, he is frighteningly focused. I notice the same thing with my dad. When he is doing an activity, there is no distracting him- ever. In fact, if there were such a condition, these two gentlemen would surely be diagnosed with "s.f." meaning selective hearing. Sometimes even now when I think my husband is listening to what I say, the comments go in one ear and out the other. That kind of concentration takes talent.

I am also impressed that Eddy has the ability to know exactly what he needs, in the exact amount, for the exact time span. Food, tv, movies, music- you name it, he just instinctively knows what he wants, experiences the right amount and lets go of attachment to the stuff and the outcomes of experiences. To put it into context, I don't naturally have this gift. If I am feeling restless, my outlet is typically food, though it is growing into sitcom and movie binging as well. I have to be careful to recognize that this distress and uneasiness I feel is because I am not accepting what is, and more likely what I have to do. Usually this means studying for an exam, writing a paper, or creating a survey gets postponed in order to eat, shop, and watch netflix until I have no choice but to complete my agenda or I will lose my job. The icky, shameful feelings I get because I am avoiding my responsibilities get tattooed to my emotional brain and those memories force me to change.

In order to avoid that icky feeling I have found a few things that help me feel better and get motivated to work. First, starting the day with gratitude and a great run. Feeling connected to nature and my body gives me an instant high and I take this elation with me wherever I go for the rest of the day. Second, have a plan and something to look forward to. If, for example, I have to work on a project I am afraid to start because I think it will be too difficult, I pair it with a pleasant experience like working on an ergonomic fitness ball or promising myself an episode of the league at the end of the day. Third, surrounding myself with productive people is highly motivating. Recognizing I too can be like them allows me to get started, and getting started is the real key. Its the same with my running routine during the early sunrise- if I simply put on the sneakers I will find myself outside eventually. Finally, if I complete something, even little things like answering emails or scheduling appointments, that simple act with create a cascading effect to getting more accomplished throughout the day.

So what is the biggest takeaway from this entry? After slugging out in the arena, come home to a quiet space, clean sheets, some hot cocoa and a snuggly nap.

the word for today is passion

I love the word passion. It indelibly creates a zeal for life and an appreciation for living. It allows us to bring joy, focus, and excitement into what we do rather than seeking fulfillment through an activity. The realization that I may not make it past the first year of this graduate program has forced me to know myself and fundamentally investigate who I am. Currently, I know who I am not. I am not someone who gives up. I am not someone who ruminates in pain. I have in part discovered who I am. I am a lover of passion and compassion and creativity. It brings me so much pleasure to see the good in others, it makes me feel so connected, that I am identifying myself in others and I recognize how similar we all truly are.
For the longest time I have allowed the angry voice inside my head to create an identity that I am unique, that I am separated from others. I am not who I thought I was. I, like so many who came before me and everyone I share the planet with, are resilient. We are strong. We are designed to see the good in our situations, even during the most challenging times. We are never really lost, never really alone, even when the external environment may suggest it. This is a question of finding a balance and honoring our functions in the world without becoming totally identified with the "problems."
What I have noticed in my own life is that the times when I suffer the most are the greatest teachers. Acceptance of the situation, dealing with what is going on now, not what could have been, might have been, should have been, is the greatest gift I can give to myself and to those around me. I was talking with a friend in the department yesterday and he candidly shared that in the brief year we shared together in the program, he noticed that my passions, my gifts are not exactly suited for this research environment. The people are admittedly a bit socially award, reclusive, most are introverts and have laser like focus for their work. It isn't really a happy go lucky environment. I on the other hand crave socialization- and I don't mean going to a bar and getting drunk. I like to have pot lucks and movie nights, I like running in the outdoors and bringing my dog to play and chat with the folks at the dog park. I spent my first semester free time (if I can even call it that) with a rock climbing club and my second semester with an online writing community and I completed my 300 page journal and started this blog. I had some brief health concerns which taught me I can handle anything on my own, literally by myself. This was the first time in my life I have had to take care of myself, live by myself and learn who I am when all the noise and fireworks are gone and all that is left is the stillness and silence at the deepest level of my own being. It has been scary and liberating and I am not afraid of the future anymore. I am open to whatever comes. Although like any rational human being I don't like to experience pain and discomfort but I have learned that I can handle it because they are the teaching moments that help me develop the tools to face any situation. I have also learned that I have three choices when in the face of grievance and disturbance: I can accept it, change my appraisal of the situation, or I can change the situation. There are also several components to the situation: the situation itself, the judgment I have of the situation, the reaction I have to the situation (emotional or physical), and the thoughts I have about the situation like this is dreadful. I have to be aware of my own behavior and I have recognized I am the source of my pleasure or pain. It is all my imagination. I derive a bit of my self concept as a creative person so here is where my joy gets liberated. Whatever happens in this program, I have already learned so much. The material itself is incredible, and I have loved learning every piece of literature and I now know where to look for the newest sources of research no matter if I am in the program or not. Second, I have learned I can write no matter what job I have to sustain myself and my burgeoning family. Writing is my passion, being with others- animals and humans alike, and with nature is my passion, and no situation can ever take these loves away from me. If this program is not meant for me, I will take on a more useful role. One thing is for sure, I will continue to utilize every moment I have here. I love it here and I am so honored for this experience. It has completely transformed my way of thinking and I am forever grateful. I hope I get to stay here longer and see what else I am capable of.

Expressing myself in an expressive-less office space

I have always been a colorful person at my core, both literally and figuratively. I have never lost my innocence, my inquisitiveness, my ability to look around me with wonder and try to find the fun in every experience. I think this is one key way my husband and I get along so well. We jump at the chance to have fun, engage in a game, go to an amusement park,  play in the pool especially when it is drizzling and frolic under the passing stars before the sun rises.
One challenge I have experienced this year in the PhD program is that I have conditioned an aversion to the closet masquerading as an office space at school. How do I transform this grey, simple, desk space that wishes it were as cool as a cubicle into an inspirational exciting work place? Well, my first attempt towards the goal was to bring in a bouncy ball my mother in law was going to toss into the garbage as a part chair part foot rest. It is too small to be like one of those $70.00 bouncy backless chairs and too big to  fit under the ottoman they call a desk. Nevertheless, I will make it work and channel my inner oompa loompa since when I sit on the ball my head barely reaches above the height of the desk itself. I am actually typing these words with the keyboard on my lap because I can't comfortably type with the keyboard on the desk while sitting on the ball. Bouncing up and down is fun though.

Where has all the ambition gone?

In the midst of finals and research papers, I, like many of my fellow graduate students, am feeling part stir crazy and part in need of a miracle. It is as if I have been traveling at 150 rpm and my engine is about to combust. The pressure and the demands of the program are taxing. The long days, short nights, lack of social connection, friends and family time have left a hole in my soul. Where is my ambition? Where is the fire and passion for greatness? Those feelings are important, they help me be excited and joyful in the midst of activity, even the activity that was once a burden becomes a boon. Passion is the source of alchemy: transforming base medal into gold, transforming my boring habits into a fascination that propels me into my personal legend. I find myself at the precipice of an important decision: do I seek peace or drama? Everyone desires peace, but there is something inside that seeks drama and conflict.
I do this time and time again, when the going gets tough, I get going. I make up excuses and I seek a way out of the challenges. I run away from difficulty even though I know, fundamentally, that making it through the other side, no matter how many times I falter, will bring me to the next level. That is what humanity is for, isn't it? To discover our internal and external reasons for living, merging them, and pursuing them without hesitation, no matter how hard, because we are all, each and every one of us, destined for greatness. It is this truth, this realization, that now after so many times of choosing the opposite, I can choose to force my way through to the edge of the desert and discover what I am truly made of. Lets do it together! Onward we shall face our greatest fears and become the heroes of our unique personal journeys. It is study time.

Ego Complaining

A series of funny events occurred yesterday on my way out of work I would like to share. It was roughly between 5:30 and 6:00 p.m. when I left the building to discover that my car had been ticketed. Admittedly I was parked in a lot different from the lot placard I bought (which was a $600.00 expense but the price is irrelevant). I figured since parking restrictions were being lifted this week it wouldn't be an issue. Meanwhile there were cars uncomfortably close on either side which made for an interesting back and forth back and forth motion of my car trying to extract itself from the space. It kind of reminded me of that commercial where one car is hitting on another car for a romantic outing only to discover they were both the same sex, one was just recently re-painted pink. Long story short, my car ended up with a few dings and the other cars left unscathed. When I got home to walk my dog, he did really well up until seeing a few other dogs he couldn't restrain himself not to meet, and he wiggled himself out of his harness before I could scoop him up. Luckily the other dogs were small and friendly, needless to say baby dog's leash is fitted snuggly tight now. The series of persnickety events continued, but the important part of this story is what I learned from it, the decision part of it we all face: to complain or not to complain, that is to say, do we give in to the voice in our heads or refuse.    

Complaining is one of my ego's favorite activities. Every complaint is a warm and fuzzy story my mind gets to whip up so that I get sympathy from you and a haughty balloon-like feeling for me. It's a win-win right? Feels as good as my beloved jealousy- Ah yes that devilish vixen I would give up my hubby for if I were another woman in another time and place. Well, in truth, these dangerous temptresses are a perfect storm of pain and resentment ready to suck any and all bystanders in. It is not about the thoughts themselves that are a problem, it is the identification with these thoughts. If I don't pause and take a step back to examine what I am creating, I become the thoughts, there is no space to remove myself. I become entangled in a mess of my own creation when the anecdote is so incredibly simple! Choose not to complain.

If you are still reading and not ready to puke by my simple and carebear-like attitude here are some strategies I have started that have been making remarkable improvements in my overall happiness and ability to function, particularly through the challenges. I notice the story my mind has drummed up- the name calling, the labeling, the desensitization process I create to deliberately construct a "me verse the world" scenario in my head. Then I ask myself, how does this make me feel? Am I really better off by becoming a soldier in the war of the world against myself? The more I take a step back, look at myself through the eyes of others, I see the pattern, and little by little, more and more I gain clarity. I can't expect to be perfect at this, but as I develop the skills of self-awareness, I can achieve mastery, anyone can. That is what we were designed to do. It is no accident that the human animal is the animal that has the ability of consciousness, of self-awareness. It is meant to be used and cultivated for good not evil. We are the heroes of our unique life stories, and we all share the super power of awareness and presence! What a fabulous skill. I intend to use it, I hope you do the same.

Here are some questions we can ask ourselves to become more present and make better choices:
1. Is this verbalized thought in my head meant to bring constructive change to my situation or is it meant to complain?
2. Is this thought meant to validate my position by having someone else confirm: "yes you are right"? If so, the situation will recycle and empower our egos.

How can we solve change this pattern?
1. Become aware- make a pact with a trustworthy buddy to let each other know when the ego monster is in control of each other's brain.
2. Accept your actions. Acceptance, for me, is a hugely important action and a tremendously challenging one to surmount sometimes. In my mind, acceptance is the key to forgiveness, the key to compassion, and the key to our greatest strength and our greatest unifier. Why is it so difficult? Because we love drama, we love to blame and revel in others' downfall. It is a creepy and sadistic truth we share, but we don't have to give in. We can accept it is inside of us and choose not to listen, or if we listen, not to follow. We can choose differently and be our own leaders.
3. Forgive and change your actions. Like my pals Oprah and Maya espouse, when you know better you do better. Forgive your parents embarrassing behavior, forgive your little brother for picking his nose and wiping it on your collage the night before it was due, forgive your puppy for peeing on your boyfriend's favorite jacket. They didn't know any better! And thanks to reading this blog, you can feel confident with your new found growth, knowing better and now choosing better. Yay! *Cheers from angels ring like wind chimes in the mind.  

Endurance and Ultra Endurance

I learned something very interesting today on my run. I consider the clarity and insight I achieved on the run as innovation of my mind and I anticipate more innovation shall follow. That is what innovation is- changing minds, bodies, techniques and so on. When I am fully engaged in the activities I am engaging in at precisely the moment I am being engaged, I can tap into the greatest energy source there is in existence. So on my run today, I engaged the consciousness of my inner state, feeling the energy pulsating throughout my body as my feet landed on the pavement over and over again, my arms swinging back and forth, and the heat building up and radiating out of the palms of my hands and the ends of my fingertips. The entire experience was electrifying. I feel this every time I engage my body. That is why I love exercise and being in nature so profoundly. So I ask myself, where else in my life can I feel this way and access this energy?

More and more I have been recognizing this personal phenomenon and so I decided to put it into action yesterday. I ran, showered, and meditated before my morning exam and when I arrived at the testing site, one curious thing happened after another. There was a class in the room the professor booked, the secretary who was supposed to administer the exam forgot about it and arrived 40 minutes late to the timed exam, she left before I could hand in a copy of my final paper, and, because the exam ran late, I was late for a faculty event in my department which everyone commented on when I got there, I was exhausted from the test and I could barely interact coherently with my superiors, and the list goes on.

So usually, I would focus on the past, all the events of the day, create a story in my mind that I am no good or there is stinky karma in the atmosphere or some wierdo reason that is negatively valenced in order to provide myself with an excuse to do what I want to do, which is probably counter to my best interests. Instead, I fueled my body with nutritious food so I could have energy to focus, I met with a professor and tried to be as productive as I could. That was pretty short lived, nonetheless, due to exhaustion from desiccating my mind earlier, so I spent the rest of the evening in bed with my doggie, watching sappy movies on an iphone app until I drifted off to sleep around 9 p.m.

Yesterday was not the most effective I have been in the business department, but it was a huge triumph for me in the life department! I didn't do what I usually do which is quit, go home and eat dove candies and Edie's ice cream for the rest of the day. Instead I kept present, asking myself how am I doing, am I friend's with the present moment? Can I make a difference right now in any capacity, help someone out, learn something new, add to a paper- anything at all? So I did until I grew so tired my eyesight became as blurry as a fish out of water. And you know what, it felt incredible!

I replicated this present moment mindfulness on my run today, like I usually do, and it just makes me so happy. I radiate joy and I can't help it. Running outside, cloudy, rainy, sunny- you came the weather, it doesn't matter, simply being in touch with what I am doing right now, with the added incentive of capturing a heavenly endorphin rush, really gives me endless gratitude for who I am and what I have exactly as it is right now. That is a priceless feeling. I hope to pay it forward in all areas of my life, including this job I have as a developing PhD candidate. I am really grateful to have this opportunity and I hope reader that you feel gratitude for where you are right now too. (And if you don't like where you are, you can smile knowing that you indeed have the power to change it!)

Jealousy

Jealousy is one emotion I would rather resist, but instead I choose to accept, concede, and allow to pass through me. Jealousy can be exhilarating but it is also exhausting, and fallacious. It forces me to tell a story about my brother and sister human beings, to make assumptions, and to fabricate lies in order to lift myself to a superior place which I don't deserve. It is painful, it causes grief, humiliation, loss. These are sufferings I don't need. Cruelty is something I am totally capable of, but turns me into an enemy, a terrorist, invoking emotional affliction upon the world. This is my home, why do I seek drama and attempt to burn it down?
There are video tapes of me as a little girl, twirling around and dancing in front of my little sister, clothes disheveled and purposefully worn inside out in order to make her laugh. I have memories of singing at the top of my lungs in the carpool van on the way to Hebrew school to add light to an otherwise dull drive. I remember being silly and embarrassing myself on purpose to make others happy and laugh. Where is that girl now? I often bury her deep inside for fear of being ridiculed for being a Polly Anna. I don't smile or wave at strangers while on my morning run because fear I am too old for that now. I fear being friendly in the office I share with my cohorts because I don't want to disturb their work and I fear they will find my approach fake and unappealing. Why do I do this to myself? It is a nutty thought isn't it? Well, recently I have decided to work on these strange idiosyncrasies of mine. I am engaging myself in the present moment, forcing myself to be fully aware of my body, my actions, my environment and my affect on others. I seek to be fully myself and not everyone is going to like it. I like me though. My doggie likes me. My beautiful husband likes me. My loving parents like me. I think I am doing just fine. I welcome all fellow Polly Anna's to join me in adding more sunshine to the world.

Motivation and Fear in the PhD World

Motivation and Fear in the PhD World

You want to change the course of the world, so do I. We believe in working through blood, sweat and tears, pushing through the disappointments and failures, time and time again because we are motivated by something greater than ourselves. We believe in charging through the status quo and making our dreams a reality.
I often ask my office mates, my fellow PhD candidates what motivates their early entry into work, what drives their constant tenacity, late nights, and lack of sufficient sleep and nutrition. Some told me in all candidness, they don't love every moment, but they cherish certain simple strategies that make huge differences in the quality of their work and the quality of their experience. One told me every time he walks down the hall of professor offices as he goes to grab the twelfth  cup of coffee that morning, he imagines his future office and how proud he will feel when he gets his first job. Another told me she wishes to be like her celebrity idol of the field and she is essentially, a work- a -holic and a total nerd. Another told me he works hard because this hard work is only temporary and there is such a high learning curve now and it is best to strike on this opportunity. Moreover, there are standards we must meet and we risk getting knocked down by our competitors if we don't do our best.
So these strategies are very practical, and I sincerely appreciate the advice of my cohorts. Unfortunately for me, I need a different reason to do my job. I cherish the time in my life where this body I inhabit functions at its best- healthy- no fevers, no pain, able to move freely, eat and function as a great body typically operates. Experience has taught me, health, like tomorrow, is promised to no one. I must be one of three modalities at all times: accepting, joyful, or enthusiastic (reference: A new Earth thank you Ekart Tolle). If I am not creating out of one of these states, I am creating suffering for myself and others.
I apply this to my job. I am spending most of my time doing this work. I want to love it, I want to be working for a purpose greater than myself. So this is what I believe. I am a unique contributor to the field. I have a literary and sociological studies background, I am fascinated by the construction of language as well as the communication of concepts and ideas. I also have a public policy background; I have learned a lot about rational economics, behavioral economics, and the constraints policy makers are limited by to create the greatest possible good for the greatest numbers while balancing the needs and sustainability of the physical environment. Now I am learning about consumer behavior and the psychology and irrationality which drives human behavior. I am now seeking to merge all of these areas in an attempt to be of use to this new Earth, this new era in our human history.
I imagine to the field, I am perceived as a risk. I am not a "sure thing" in this business world. It took me many attempts to gain acceptance into this program and I am working my surest to fully utilize this great opportunity. I am amazed everyday I get to learn from other scholars about why we do what we do and it is fascinating. These are the studies I have been reading about in my favorite books and in the top journals. This is incredible! Then I quickly remember, I am not just here to learn, I am here to produce. The fears I have of failure and the anxiety I feel about creating something great have been grating my nerves. I am not alone in the overwhelming sensation that every idea I have has already been studied, and probably in a fashion better than I could have done.
Then I take a step back and pause. Hold on, I am here for a reason. There aren't many people here with my unique skill set. There must be something I can contribute. Second, fear is resistance and there is nothing I can't handle. There is no criticism and no challenge more painful than what I have already experienced, and even if I am wrong I can condition myself out of the fear. There is an amazing TED talk by Chris Hadfield which suggested that whatever your fear, be it spiders or blindness,  you can put yourself in those seemingly scary situations and little by little, those fears won't be fears anymore. For example, walk into a spider web everyday and find that those webs are at worst a tiny nuisance and the spider as intimidating as a lady bug or buttercup. The point is, challenging yourself to be in the muck and dread of your fears will actually create a bullet proof exterior you wear for the rest of your days. You are untouchable, and better yet, you are now free to pursue your personal legend. Now putting that to action is the next test...

Intro

Big thanks to my beautiful and brilliant mommy and mommy in law for igniting the fire again deep inside me to start writing a new blog. This blog shall be dedicated to all of the issues I, and other millenials like me, are dealing with in this dynamic historical age. I am dealing with many similar issues common to those twice my age and I am still learning who I am- as I am supposed to do in the discovery decade of aging, ie the 20s.

I choose to embrace my relationship with my high school boyfriend and nearly eight years later we are happily married, with one doggie and another soon to come, focusing on our now burgeoning careers, thinking about when to start having kids, taking care of our aging parents and so many more issues. My sister, by contrast, is just a year younger than I am, but far more mature. She is a brilliant scientist studying at Columbia University deciding to focus on her career before romance. She is a beautiful independent Manhattanite who amazes me daily. Meanwhile, I live in a dreamworld as if I am a little girl wearing my mommies business heels as I play house, but in reality dealing with serious issues like paying bills, doing taxes, taking care of my family, my work, and maintaining my heath. There is so much going on, I know I am not alone and I am really excited to share this with the world.