Jealousy is one emotion I would rather resist, but instead I choose to accept, concede, and allow to pass through me. Jealousy can be exhilarating but it is also exhausting, and fallacious. It forces me to tell a story about my brother and sister human beings, to make assumptions, and to fabricate lies in order to lift myself to a superior place which I don't deserve. It is painful, it causes grief, humiliation, loss. These are sufferings I don't need. Cruelty is something I am totally capable of, but turns me into an enemy, a terrorist, invoking emotional affliction upon the world. This is my home, why do I seek drama and attempt to burn it down?
There are video tapes of me as a little girl, twirling around and dancing in front of my little sister, clothes disheveled and purposefully worn inside out in order to make her laugh. I have memories of singing at the top of my lungs in the carpool van on the way to Hebrew school to add light to an otherwise dull drive. I remember being silly and embarrassing myself on purpose to make others happy and laugh. Where is that girl now? I often bury her deep inside for fear of being ridiculed for being a Polly Anna. I don't smile or wave at strangers while on my morning run because fear I am too old for that now. I fear being friendly in the office I share with my cohorts because I don't want to disturb their work and I fear they will find my approach fake and unappealing. Why do I do this to myself? It is a nutty thought isn't it? Well, recently I have decided to work on these strange idiosyncrasies of mine. I am engaging myself in the present moment, forcing myself to be fully aware of my body, my actions, my environment and my affect on others. I seek to be fully myself and not everyone is going to like it. I like me though. My doggie likes me. My beautiful husband likes me. My loving parents like me. I think I am doing just fine. I welcome all fellow Polly Anna's to join me in adding more sunshine to the world.
Monday, April 28, 2014
Motivation and Fear in the PhD World
Motivation and Fear in the PhD World
You want to change the course of the world, so do I. We believe in working through blood, sweat and tears, pushing through the disappointments and failures, time and time again because we are motivated by something greater than ourselves. We believe in charging through the status quo and making our dreams a reality.
I often ask my office mates, my fellow PhD candidates what motivates their early entry into work, what drives their constant tenacity, late nights, and lack of sufficient sleep and nutrition. Some told me in all candidness, they don't love every moment, but they cherish certain simple strategies that make huge differences in the quality of their work and the quality of their experience. One told me every time he walks down the hall of professor offices as he goes to grab the twelfth cup of coffee that morning, he imagines his future office and how proud he will feel when he gets his first job. Another told me she wishes to be like her celebrity idol of the field and she is essentially, a work- a -holic and a total nerd. Another told me he works hard because this hard work is only temporary and there is such a high learning curve now and it is best to strike on this opportunity. Moreover, there are standards we must meet and we risk getting knocked down by our competitors if we don't do our best.
So these strategies are very practical, and I sincerely appreciate the advice of my cohorts. Unfortunately for me, I need a different reason to do my job. I cherish the time in my life where this body I inhabit functions at its best- healthy- no fevers, no pain, able to move freely, eat and function as a great body typically operates. Experience has taught me, health, like tomorrow, is promised to no one. I must be one of three modalities at all times: accepting, joyful, or enthusiastic (reference: A new Earth thank you Ekart Tolle). If I am not creating out of one of these states, I am creating suffering for myself and others.
I apply this to my job. I am spending most of my time doing this work. I want to love it, I want to be working for a purpose greater than myself. So this is what I believe. I am a unique contributor to the field. I have a literary and sociological studies background, I am fascinated by the construction of language as well as the communication of concepts and ideas. I also have a public policy background; I have learned a lot about rational economics, behavioral economics, and the constraints policy makers are limited by to create the greatest possible good for the greatest numbers while balancing the needs and sustainability of the physical environment. Now I am learning about consumer behavior and the psychology and irrationality which drives human behavior. I am now seeking to merge all of these areas in an attempt to be of use to this new Earth, this new era in our human history.
I imagine to the field, I am perceived as a risk. I am not a "sure thing" in this business world. It took me many attempts to gain acceptance into this program and I am working my surest to fully utilize this great opportunity. I am amazed everyday I get to learn from other scholars about why we do what we do and it is fascinating. These are the studies I have been reading about in my favorite books and in the top journals. This is incredible! Then I quickly remember, I am not just here to learn, I am here to produce. The fears I have of failure and the anxiety I feel about creating something great have been grating my nerves. I am not alone in the overwhelming sensation that every idea I have has already been studied, and probably in a fashion better than I could have done.
Then I take a step back and pause. Hold on, I am here for a reason. There aren't many people here with my unique skill set. There must be something I can contribute. Second, fear is resistance and there is nothing I can't handle. There is no criticism and no challenge more painful than what I have already experienced, and even if I am wrong I can condition myself out of the fear. There is an amazing TED talk by Chris Hadfield which suggested that whatever your fear, be it spiders or blindness, you can put yourself in those seemingly scary situations and little by little, those fears won't be fears anymore. For example, walk into a spider web everyday and find that those webs are at worst a tiny nuisance and the spider as intimidating as a lady bug or buttercup. The point is, challenging yourself to be in the muck and dread of your fears will actually create a bullet proof exterior you wear for the rest of your days. You are untouchable, and better yet, you are now free to pursue your personal legend. Now putting that to action is the next test...
You want to change the course of the world, so do I. We believe in working through blood, sweat and tears, pushing through the disappointments and failures, time and time again because we are motivated by something greater than ourselves. We believe in charging through the status quo and making our dreams a reality.
I often ask my office mates, my fellow PhD candidates what motivates their early entry into work, what drives their constant tenacity, late nights, and lack of sufficient sleep and nutrition. Some told me in all candidness, they don't love every moment, but they cherish certain simple strategies that make huge differences in the quality of their work and the quality of their experience. One told me every time he walks down the hall of professor offices as he goes to grab the twelfth cup of coffee that morning, he imagines his future office and how proud he will feel when he gets his first job. Another told me she wishes to be like her celebrity idol of the field and she is essentially, a work- a -holic and a total nerd. Another told me he works hard because this hard work is only temporary and there is such a high learning curve now and it is best to strike on this opportunity. Moreover, there are standards we must meet and we risk getting knocked down by our competitors if we don't do our best.
So these strategies are very practical, and I sincerely appreciate the advice of my cohorts. Unfortunately for me, I need a different reason to do my job. I cherish the time in my life where this body I inhabit functions at its best- healthy- no fevers, no pain, able to move freely, eat and function as a great body typically operates. Experience has taught me, health, like tomorrow, is promised to no one. I must be one of three modalities at all times: accepting, joyful, or enthusiastic (reference: A new Earth thank you Ekart Tolle). If I am not creating out of one of these states, I am creating suffering for myself and others.
I apply this to my job. I am spending most of my time doing this work. I want to love it, I want to be working for a purpose greater than myself. So this is what I believe. I am a unique contributor to the field. I have a literary and sociological studies background, I am fascinated by the construction of language as well as the communication of concepts and ideas. I also have a public policy background; I have learned a lot about rational economics, behavioral economics, and the constraints policy makers are limited by to create the greatest possible good for the greatest numbers while balancing the needs and sustainability of the physical environment. Now I am learning about consumer behavior and the psychology and irrationality which drives human behavior. I am now seeking to merge all of these areas in an attempt to be of use to this new Earth, this new era in our human history.
I imagine to the field, I am perceived as a risk. I am not a "sure thing" in this business world. It took me many attempts to gain acceptance into this program and I am working my surest to fully utilize this great opportunity. I am amazed everyday I get to learn from other scholars about why we do what we do and it is fascinating. These are the studies I have been reading about in my favorite books and in the top journals. This is incredible! Then I quickly remember, I am not just here to learn, I am here to produce. The fears I have of failure and the anxiety I feel about creating something great have been grating my nerves. I am not alone in the overwhelming sensation that every idea I have has already been studied, and probably in a fashion better than I could have done.
Then I take a step back and pause. Hold on, I am here for a reason. There aren't many people here with my unique skill set. There must be something I can contribute. Second, fear is resistance and there is nothing I can't handle. There is no criticism and no challenge more painful than what I have already experienced, and even if I am wrong I can condition myself out of the fear. There is an amazing TED talk by Chris Hadfield which suggested that whatever your fear, be it spiders or blindness, you can put yourself in those seemingly scary situations and little by little, those fears won't be fears anymore. For example, walk into a spider web everyday and find that those webs are at worst a tiny nuisance and the spider as intimidating as a lady bug or buttercup. The point is, challenging yourself to be in the muck and dread of your fears will actually create a bullet proof exterior you wear for the rest of your days. You are untouchable, and better yet, you are now free to pursue your personal legend. Now putting that to action is the next test...
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Intro
Big thanks to my beautiful and brilliant mommy and mommy in law for igniting the fire again deep inside me to start writing a new blog. This blog shall be dedicated to all of the issues I, and other millenials like me, are dealing with in this dynamic historical age. I am dealing with many similar issues common to those twice my age and I am still learning who I am- as I am supposed to do in the discovery decade of aging, ie the 20s.
I choose to embrace my
relationship with my high school boyfriend and nearly eight years later we are
happily married, with one doggie and another soon to come, focusing on our now
burgeoning careers, thinking about when to start having kids, taking care of
our aging parents and so many more issues. My sister, by contrast, is just a
year younger than I am, but far more mature. She is a brilliant scientist
studying at Columbia University deciding to focus on her career before romance.
She is a beautiful independent Manhattanite who amazes me daily. Meanwhile, I
live in a dreamworld as if I am a little girl wearing my mommies business heels
as I play house, but in reality dealing with serious issues like paying bills,
doing taxes, taking care of my family, my work, and maintaining my heath. There
is so much going on, I know I am not alone and I am really excited to share
this with the world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)