Late Day Insights

I have to be a conscious observer of the thoughts in my head, particularly when I am at the office because of my psychological baggage surrounding the office, and especially during late days at the office because this is when I am prone to the conditioned patterned thinking that runs me into the ground and deep into self pitty. Instead, I have to be wise enough to ignore that old pattern and reawaken to gratitude for this job, this opportunity and this reason for waking up each day. That last reason may be a little overkill, but maybe not. If I didn't have this job, instead of freaking out about future laboring over data mining I would be freaking out because I have writers block or no publishers or a lack of job prospects. Essentially what I am saying is I have to nurture what I have in kind and not worry about comparisons, what coulda woulda shoulda and work my darndest not to blow the gig I've got.

Part of my problem is I am giving myself permission not to be committed. This is both outside my nature as well as perfectly aligned with it. I have a habit of picking and choosing what deserves my tenacity and what doesn't. I make excuses for being lazy and create stories as to why they were not choices but that my failure was outside of my control. The reality is, anything I view as worthwhile, I pursue until I cross the finish line. It may take ages longer than the average bear, but I will get the job done. If I allow my mind to weasel its way into getting what it wants, it typically wins and I feel guilty when it does. That sends me into a shame spiral. Luckily, I have been around the block so many times I am privy to the pattern and can catch it at the early stages of its arrival. I shouldn't be ashamed for my lack of desire to do what is difficult and what challenges me. It is human to put up resistance; but it is also human to overcome obstacles and triumph. I guess sometimes it helps to get the truth out there and bond with others going through similar stuff. It is what we do, humans attune and adapt to and with one another. I am grateful for that.