Resistance plus

I have a vision for gaining statistical skills in this program and using them to produce knowledge and contribute to others well being as well as benefit the planet. Currently, in the program, I have to perform statistical analysis and my understanding and competency in this area is tenuous at best. I could possibly be a bit self deprecating, but either way, my skills are not where I want to be. I have a project I must complete and I cannot do so without statistical analysis. The challenges I face in this area have taken over my perspective in many areas of my life. The consequences of this somewhat ambivalent even negative attitude are bleeding into my relationships with those I am closest with. That causes me more stress. This is a pattern I have adapted over time and I continue to repeat it. Consistently, whenever I run into challenges, I see the worst in the situation and in my capabilities. I complain, I instigate, in short I am no fun to be around. I don't even like being around me.

So how do I change my behavior? It starts with my perception. I have to train myself to see the good in the situation. How can I change what I focus on? Perhaps it begins with acceptance. No need to abandon or ignore the truth. There is resistance and non acceptance inside of me! I don't like what I have to do. I judge it negatively and that hurts me. Good news! Bad don't last always. As trite as it sounds, this too shall pass. This is what is right now. I can't argue with the fact that I have a job to do, it requires stats, I have to use statistics. It is mad to judge what is true. It is what it is. All I can do is learn the techniques, be fully present so I can learn as much as I can, preferably the first time around, (though my modus operandi is repetition), do what I can do, to the best of my ability and let go any expectations I may have. I can't do more than I am able to. I have to accept I am not perfect. I don't enjoy everything I have to do in my job. I am not really sure what my work passion is. All I can do is what is in front of me, accept it, and keep plugging along. Perhaps I may encounter surprise, excitement, enthusiasm- you never know. Life is unpredictable, better not to resist.