Silence

I keep hearing this voice- both externally and internally- sit in silence. sit in silence. Sometimes, even in conversation I hear the voice saying, quiet, be silent. Sometimes silence can be awkward. Sometimes silence stirs up anxiety like a monkey rattling its cage and I feel this chaotic energy inside my body, all over. Secretly I love this stillness. I give myself permission- 20 minutes, just be. Be present. Be here. Let all the thoughts come and go. Welcome whatever feelings stir up and let go of attachment to it all. In a little bit, I feel that firey burning in my chest, that restlessness inside and I accept those feelings. Silence. All is quiet. Then those anxious feelings resonate again. I let them be. Deeper into silence I go. It is magnificent! Before I know it, 20 minutes are up and I transition back into my skin. Its like I have amnesia. What was it I was stressing about before I sat in silence? I can't remember. At least for right now, this one second, I am at peace and it is luxurious. I let the present moment wash all over me. It is like I am living a dream. I get a glimpse back into my days of finding the ox, immersing myself in theory of knowledge learning zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. It is so cool!

Silence isn't always this comforting though. It has taken me years to appreciate it and there are doubtless times where I feel lost and searching for meaning. I get restless and stressed, wanting my reality to be other than it is. I am human obviously. I compare myself to others, especially the other students in the PhD program and I fear getting kicked out for not being as smart or as productive or as xyz as the others. Its at this point, if I don't go directly to my loved ones, I pretend I am talking to them directly. What would they say? I imagine they would tell me that there is a reason I am here. I have unique skills that are valuable in this program. I have a proven track record that works. If, (and although theorizing about ifs are pointless, but nevertheless, if) I do not make it through this program, I will go on to better horizons where my talents are more aptly aligned to benefit others, bring joy to the world which likewise brighten my spirit. Remember who I am. Remember my childhood confidence, my optimism and love for others and for the world. Don't lose that, no matter what happens. I am enough as I am and I can do anything. We all have boundless potential, infinite creativity and love to share. This point of view is often lost in the craziness of the world and getting a reminder now and again is important. Finally, anything worth having and experiencing is better when it is shared. Be curious, be compassionate, be who you are and the world becomes better for it.