I love the word passion. It indelibly creates a zeal for life and an appreciation for living. It allows us to bring joy, focus, and excitement into what we do rather than seeking fulfillment through an activity. The realization that I may not make it past the first year of this graduate program has forced me to know myself and fundamentally investigate who I am. Currently, I know who I am not. I am not someone who gives up. I am not someone who ruminates in pain. I have in part discovered who I am. I am a lover of passion and compassion and creativity. It brings me so much pleasure to see the good in others, it makes me feel so connected, that I am identifying myself in others and I recognize how similar we all truly are.
For the longest time I have allowed the angry voice inside my head to create an identity that I am unique, that I am separated from others. I am not who I thought I was. I, like so many who came before me and everyone I share the planet with, are resilient. We are strong. We are designed to see the good in our situations, even during the most challenging times. We are never really lost, never really alone, even when the external environment may suggest it. This is a question of finding a balance and honoring our functions in the world without becoming totally identified with the "problems."
What I have noticed in my own life is that the times when I suffer the most are the greatest teachers. Acceptance of the situation, dealing with what is going on now, not what could have been, might have been, should have been, is the greatest gift I can give to myself and to those around me. I was talking with a friend in the department yesterday and he candidly shared that in the brief year we shared together in the program, he noticed that my passions, my gifts are not exactly suited for this research environment. The people are admittedly a bit socially award, reclusive, most are introverts and have laser like focus for their work. It isn't really a happy go lucky environment. I on the other hand crave socialization- and I don't mean going to a bar and getting drunk. I like to have pot lucks and movie nights, I like running in the outdoors and bringing my dog to play and chat with the folks at the dog park. I spent my first semester free time (if I can even call it that) with a rock climbing club and my second semester with an online writing community and I completed my 300 page journal and started this blog. I had some brief health concerns which taught me I can handle anything on my own, literally by myself. This was the first time in my life I have had to take care of myself, live by myself and learn who I am when all the noise and fireworks are gone and all that is left is the stillness and silence at the deepest level of my own being. It has been scary and liberating and I am not afraid of the future anymore. I am open to whatever comes. Although like any rational human being I don't like to experience pain and discomfort but I have learned that I can handle it because they are the teaching moments that help me develop the tools to face any situation. I have also learned that I have three choices when in the face of grievance and disturbance: I can accept it, change my appraisal of the situation, or I can change the situation. There are also several components to the situation: the situation itself, the judgment I have of the situation, the reaction I have to the situation (emotional or physical), and the thoughts I have about the situation like this is dreadful. I have to be aware of my own behavior and I have recognized I am the source of my pleasure or pain. It is all my imagination. I derive a bit of my self concept as a creative person so here is where my joy gets liberated. Whatever happens in this program, I have already learned so much. The material itself is incredible, and I have loved learning every piece of literature and I now know where to look for the newest sources of research no matter if I am in the program or not. Second, I have learned I can write no matter what job I have to sustain myself and my burgeoning family. Writing is my passion, being with others- animals and humans alike, and with nature is my passion, and no situation can ever take these loves away from me. If this program is not meant for me, I will take on a more useful role. One thing is for sure, I will continue to utilize every moment I have here. I love it here and I am so honored for this experience. It has completely transformed my way of thinking and I am forever grateful. I hope I get to stay here longer and see what else I am capable of.
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